Learning to drive on the ice

In Texas we have pretty mild winters, at least compared to the rest of the country, so we don't have to drive in icy conditions very often. That's fortunate since most of us don't do it very well. However, I learned from an expert.

My dad grew up in a northern state and had quite a bit of experience driving in bad weather. One weekend when my incredibly handsome twin brother and I were sixteen, we had to go with our dad to pick up his truck from where our older brother had left it the night before. I was going to have to drive our mom's car back while dad drove his truck. It would be my first experience driving on an icy road.

On the way, Dad was offering advice and tips on how to drive in the ice, such as: accelerate slowly, tap the brakes when slowing down, don't be in a hurry, don't make any sudden movements with the steering wheel, etc. All of it was excellent advice.

If only Dad would have listened to it himself.

During the drive Dad reached for his beer that was sitting to his right. He reached with his left hand, jerking the steering wheel in the process. The car started swerving back and forth while Dad tried to regain control. The car spun around and ended up in the ditch on the side of the road.

After coming to a stop Dad said, "See, that's why you don't do that."

And it was fortunate that both Ron and I were there, since we had to push the car out of the ditch.

Don vs. Sprint

Several years ago I had cell phone service with Sprint. I was very happy with the cost and the features; however, there were two places where I didn't get service: the apartment in which I lived and the building in which I worked. To use my cell phone at work I would have to stand out on the balcony, and to use my cell phone at home I would have to stand outside. So I closed my account and changed to a different provider.

A few weeks later I got a prorated bill from Sprint for 51 cents. I had been with Sprint for a few years, and I thought that maybe they could have not worried about that final 51 cents. However, I also didn't want my credit to be impacted for such a small amount, so I sent them a check.

For 52 cents.

Simply because nothing would have made me happier than for Sprint to have to issue a credit or refund of one cent. I just would have thrown it away, chuckling to myself over my victory over "the man."

I guess they got the last laugh after all. They never refunded me the penny.

I just met the future version of me

This might surprise some of you, but I have been known to talk a lot, and it doesn't matter if I know you or not. Last week, I met the future version of me.

I was in the doctor's office for a routine checkup, and I was finally called into the back. My actual appointment didn't take long, and I rushed out of the office so that I could get back to work. Well, that was my intention.

In the waiting room an elderly gentleman was sitting by himself waiting for his appointment. No other patients were there. As I walked toward the door he asked me if only one doctor was working today. I answered, and he then continued talking for the next 15-20 minutes on a wide range of topics. I gathered he was just happy to have an audience so I stood there quietly and nodded occasionally.

Here are some of the topics that were brought up:

• On his first visit to this clinic the doctor stuck a needle THIS BIG (hands held 2 feet apart) up his butt.
• Seventy-five is a good age to die. After that, the body starts falling apart, and you spend most of your time in the doctor's office.
• He was 87.
• When Indians (Native Americans) turned forty, they went off into the woods to die. That seemed like a good idea to him.
• He voted for Obama because the other clique had their chance for 8 years.
• I should invest in silver.

All-in-all, it was an entertaining conversation, albeit a bit one-sided. I guess now I know what my friends go through. :)

That time I tried to give my cat a bath

Sometimes, something can seem like a good idea beforehand, only to be monumentally stupid in retrospect. Like the time I tried to give my cat a bath.

Cats are largely low maintenance pets. They poop in a litter box, eat when they're hungry, and take care of their own bathing needs. However, several years ago my cat Boo got into something stinky and needed a bath. So I thought I would be a good owner and give him one.

Boo is a special cat. He's very skittish (thus the name Boo) and doesn't really like to have new things sprung on him. He also still has his claws, and I thought giving him a bath in the tub would be a struggle.

So I had the brilliant idea of bathing him in my shower. It was a stand-alone shower that had a detachable shower head so cleaning him would be really easy. Or that's what I thought.

I didn't want to get water all over the floor --- and I didn't want him to escape --- so I had another brilliant idea: I'll be in the shower with Boo and keep the door closed. I didn't want to get my clothes wet, yet I also didn't want any dangling body parts to be misinterpreted as a cat toy, so I wore swimming trunks in the shower. Plus, being naked would have been a little creepy.

Initially, Boo's bath went well. And by initially, I mean the first one or two seconds. After that, he managed to get lose from my grip and attempted to jump out of the shower. The shower walls were six feet high, so I knew he wasn't going to get out.

Surprisingly, he came very close to the top of the wall. Another surprise was what happened after his jump. Since he was now falling from a high jump, he stuck out his paws to latch onto anything close by.

Which happened to be me. My screams could be heard for miles when Boo's claws dug into my chest and stomach. I immediately opened the shower door so that he could get out and I could attend to my injuries.

As I stood in the shower, in my swimming trunks, rinsing the blood off my body, I thought, "You know, maybe this wasn't such a good idea."

Bean and cornbread supper

Surprisingly enough, I wasn't always the hip and cool person that I am now. Some of the activities of my youth might have been considered dorky. For example, I played the tuba in band. I know it's what today's cool kids want to play, but way back then it wasn't quite so awesome.

In January or February of every year, our school bands put on a concert in the school cafeteria. A dinner of beans and cornbread was included in the price, and it was also the very first concert for the 6th grade beginner band.

When I was in 6th grade I was a little on the small side. It's safe to say that the tuba probably outweighed me at that time. However, that wasn't an issue because I didn't actually have to hold the tuba. It sat on some brackets that were attached to a chair, and I just sat there and played.

At the concert we didn't have our tuba chairs, so we had to hold them for the first time. Most marching tubas have a pad strapped to it in the area where the tuba meets the shoulder; however, these did not. And again, I was trying to hold up more than my body weight on my left shoulder.

So I struggled. Several times during the first song, it looked as if I was going to tip over and crash to the ground. And I probably would have if one of the dads hadn't walked up from the audience to stand behind me and hold the tuba up.

Was that a hip or cool moment in my life? Probably not, but it was better than if I had dropped the tuba.

King of all Dance Land

I have a new nickname, and unlike the one I'm called at work (Awesome Don), it's not one I gave myself.

The other day I was in the grocery store with my girlfriend and her daughters, and the store was playing music over the PA system. One of the songs played was I Want It That Way by the Backstreet Boys. Naturally, I sang along and got down with my bad self.

The 6 year old daughter looked at me and asked, "Why are you dancing? Are you the king of all dance land?"

I am now.

That time I won Lance Armstrong's Ride for the Roses

Several years ago, Lance Armstrong and his buddies would have a friendly bike race in the Austin area with the winner being awarded a dozen roses. They called it the Ride for the Roses. Later, it became a charity race to support those fighting cancer, and since then it has been expanded into the LIVESTRONG Challenge. Back in the late 90's when it was still the Ride for the Roses charity race, I was actually the first to cross the finish line.

One Saturday, my friend Henry and I went on a short 100 mile bike ride. In fact, it was so short it was closer to 30 miles. On one part of the ride, the right lane of the road had been blocked off with pylons and motorcycle cops were spaced along the route. At a stoplight we asked one of the cops why the lane was blocked off. He said that it was part of the route for the Ride for the Roses, and that the cyclists should be riding through soon. We thanked him and continued on our ride.

We came over a hill and saw that the banner for the finish line was a few hundred yards away with a small crowd awaiting the riders. We decided to race to the line and took off. As we got closer, the crowd noticed us and started cheering because they believed we were actual participants in the race.

As I crossed the finish line first, the crowd roared, flashbulbs popped, and I raised my arm triumphantly!

And we just kept on riding.

I guess you could say we idiot proofed them

I don't drink, not because I think it's evil, but more because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't handle it well. Since I don't, I can't blame anything on alcohol. The stupid things I say and do can mostly be blamed on ... well, stupidity.

Several years ago, I was a software developer at IBM. My department worked on the floor control software for the RS/6000 manufacturing line. One portion of the line was called the pickpack area. In this section the operators would put the loose materials into the box: the mouse, documentation, support disks, etc. However, we got frequent complaints from customers because necessary items had been left out of the box.

So, my department implemented a very nice scanning system in that area. The scanners had small LCD screens on them. The operators would scan in the serial number of machine, and a list of pickpack items that needed to be placed in the box would be displayed. When they scanned in an item before placing it in the box, it would be removed from the list. After it was implemented, the plant manager made an appearance on the floor and even scanned in a few items.

At the end of the year, my department was making a presentation to the plant manager. My part was to present the department's significant accomplishments that year. And one of those was the scanners in the pickpack area.

When I mentioned that accomplishment, the plant manager commented that he was impressed with how well the scanners worked because even he was able to work them.

And without thinking (obviously), I replied, "Oh, I guess you could say we idiot proofed them."

A collective hush fell over the group and a few gasps were heard. I immediately continued with my presentation thinking, "Well, maybe he didn't hear me."

After the department presentation was done, the plant manager thanked us and talked about all he learned from it. He concluded his list with, "And I learned that Mr. Young is obviously independently wealthy or else he wouldn't risk his job like that."

So I guess he did hear me.

But at least he knew who I was. :)

The Hannah Montana Karaoke Sing-along and Petting Zoo

My girlfriend has a theory: when an ex-husband who was typically delinquent suddenly starts showing an interest in his child it's probably because he has a new girlfriend. After all, he has to impress the new woman with his dedication and commitment.

A couple of weeks ago a friend's daughter was having a birthday party. The ex-husband asked if he could plan the party and have it at his house. The mom was skeptical, but would never turn down his offer to do something for his daughter. (And yes, the ex-husband had a new girlfriend.)

So he planned a Hannah Montana karaoke party. Not a bad idea, if you assume the daughter was a Hannah Montana fan ... although that assumption was incorrect. However, the bigger issue that was pointed out to him was that the party was also going to have little boys in attendance, and the odds were pretty high that they were definitely not Hannah Montana fans.

So what would they like to do at the birthday party? A petting zoo, of course.

Thus, the first ever Hannah Montana Karaoke Sing-along and Petting Zoo birthday party. Where else could you pet a goat, ride a pony, and sing Best of Both Worlds?

I'd like some ham on that burger please

Texadelphia is a restaurant chain in Texas and Oklahoma featuring cheesesteak sandwiches and other items. There are several locations in the Austin area; however, one of them is very close to where I work, and I visit it frequently. In fact, when the cooks see me walk in the door, they start making my food before I even order because I am a creature of habit. I'm not sure if that is really cool or really sad. I'm going with "really cool."

Earlier this week I was picking up lunch and noticed a seasonal item on the menu: The Veggie Cheesesteak. The sandwich is made of cheese, peppers, mushrooms, and various other vegetables that I don't like on a 6" whole wheat roll.

So I was thinking: can you really call it a cheeseSTEAK sandwich if it doesn't have any meat? That's like getting a HAMburger without any ham.